The Death Potion that was
by eScApEe-In-A-sTrAiGhT-jAcKeT
Summary: Well am my sense of humour is a bit wierd but.. what can you say! this is the first story I've ever written. Oh yeah I dont own ANY of the characters in this story if I did I wouldn't be here.


Snapes plot to kill Harry once and for all:  
  
"Starts after potions class; Malfoy is asked to stay behind"  
  
Malfoy: You wanted to see me Professor?  
  
Snape: Yes, yes I notice how much you and your… um … *gives a strange look at Crabbe and Goyle * lackeys despise Harry as much as I do am I correct?  
  
Malfoy: *sly grin* Yes?  
  
Crabbe: grunt  
  
Goyle: *puzzled look *  
  
Snape: Well I've concocted a death potion that will kill him once and for all, come on laugh with me mohahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah*deep breath* mohahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  
  
1 Malfoy Crabbe and Goyle: Yeeahh … eh … *laugh pathetically and walk slowly towards the door*  
  
Snape: Come back here at once I haven't told you my ingenious plan yet!!!  
  
Malfoy: *aside to Crabbe and Goyle * perhaps you two should go off without me, I'm already late for my daily taking the mick out of Potter and his muggle loving companions for the sheer joy of putting others lower than myself down.  
  
"Meanwhile in the great hall Harry and Ron discuss what they will buy in Hogsmeade"  
  
Harry: Well I'm getting a hundred dungbombs my supply is running oddly low I counted them last night and I had fifty but this morning I've only got three left.  
  
Ron: *innocent look * Realllyyyy?  
  
Harry: Rooonn you didn't by any chance steal my dungbombs did you?  
  
Ron: *faking an appalled look* Why Harry! How could you accuse ME 'your most loyal friend' of stealing your dungbombs?!  
  
Harry: *annoyed look * because I can see a bag of dungbombs with my name on it sticking out of your pocket.  
  
Ron: Oh … emm… hehehe April fools!!!  
  
Harry: *sarcastic smile* you do know it's the 4th of January?  
  
Ron: Oh yeah… umm I suppose you'll be wanting them back?  
  
Harry: Ohh noo you can have them, of course I want them bloody well back what kind of an idiot do you take me for?!  
  
Ron: *about to give a cheeky reply but decides to keep the peace * Here you go then.  
  
Harry: Umm… Ron? You can let go of the bag now.  
  
Ron: *lets go of the bag after a lot of struggling* Hey I feel as if there's something missing but I can't figure out what it is.  
  
Harry: If it's Hermione your talking about she's in the library.  
  
Ron: Noo its not that it's something else.  
  
Harry: Hmm… yeah, I know what you mean… wait a second I think… noo its not that I dunno but Malfoy doesn't seem to be around.  
  
Ron: THAT'S IT! He usually comes and tries to annoy us at this time of day, I wonder what he could be upto?  
  
Harry: *puts on a sarcastic voice* Oh he's probably plotting an evil plan to kill me with a death potion with Snape!  
  
Ron: *laughs with Harry* Yeah! Like that would ever happen… in a MILLION YEARS!!!  
  
Harry: yeah it is pretty unlikely, lets go and see what Hermione is upto.  
  
"Back in Snapes dungeon"  
  
Snape: So do you understand?  
  
Malfoy: *yawn* yeah, yeah, yeah I go to the kitchens and ask the houselves for a frying pan, come back to your dungeon and get the death potion, twirl around three times with glee like this *twirls around three times * an…  
  
Snape: No, no, no like this *twirls around three times on his tipee toes * have I thought you nothing?  
  
Malfoy: *desperately holds back the laughter at how stupid Snape looks when he twirls around* Ok, ok twirl around three tim… do I really have to twirl around?  
  
Snape: YES YOU DO!!!  
  
Malfoy: But why?  
  
Snape: Don't question my superiority!  
  
Malfoy: * Mumbles something about his father* Huhhh, twirl around three times like this *twirls around three times properly*, skip girlishly to the Gryffindor common room, say the password "Draconis Saggitare", sneak suspiciously through the common room, run up the stairs to the boys dorms, hit Harry on the head with the frying pan, feed him the potion and laugh the evil laugh you taught me.  
  
Malfoy: Wait a second how will I know where the boy's dorms are?  
  
Snape: * looking really annoyed* Oh, they're probably in the same place as yours! Now is that all?  
  
Malfoy: Yeah that's it.  
  
Snape: Good, good and what do you do if the others wake up?  
  
Malfoy: Hit them all with the frying pan?  
  
Snape: EXACTLY! And what time do you start your mission son, I, I mean Malfoy?  
  
Malfoy: 11:31 and 59 seconds sharp.  
  
Snape: Yes, I have taught you well now off you go, Im going up to my office to do a bit of masturbating, I mean ejaculating, I mean calculating, yeah calculating.  
  
Malfoy: * leaves room looking very disturbed*  
  
"In the library"  
  
Harry: Come oonn Hermione we don't care about being able to contact wizards in other countries by ripping off your underwear, putting it on your head and doing the hoola boola dance we're going to miss the trip to Hogsmeade!  
  
Hermione: Well I bet Ron is interested, right Ron?  
  
Ron: *fast asleep, drooling and shouting "noo Fleur we'll get caught if we do it in the dormitories"*  
  
Hermione: *throws her tree thousand page book at Ron which knocks him off his chair*  
  
Ron: WHAT! Where! Who? Where's Fleur gone?  
  
Harry: *amused look* Ohh, she's gone on a trip to lala land where there is world peace and Santy Claus lives there too!  
  
Ron: But I was just in bed, I mean talking to her a second ago?  
  
Hermione: *annoyed look* Ron, you weren't talking to Fleur and she's not gone a trip to lala land you were just dreaming!  
  
Ron: *gone a very bright shade of pink* Ohh, oh right.  
  
Harry: *aside to Hermione* I think we should have let him believe she went on a trip to lala land at least then he wouldn't be embarrassed!  
  
Hermione: *aside to Harry* Just shut up its too late now!  
  
Ron: So are we going to, um, leave now or are you two going to whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears all day, hmm?  
  
Hermione: *aside to Harry* you didn't tell me he knew about our secret!  
  
Harry: *aside to Hermione* He doesn't he's just trying to be funny *back to Ron* Oh shut up Ron you're the one who sleeps with a picture of Fleur Delacour all night and end up with white bed sheets in the morning!  
  
Ron: *aside to Harry* Harryyy! No ones meant to know about my estranged problem!  
  
Hermione: Ohh come on you two or we'll be here all night!  
  
Harry and Ron: Oookkkk.  
  
"In Hogsmeade"  
  
Ron: Come on quickly there's only one bag of dungbombs left in Zonkos!  
  
Hermione: How do you know?  
  
Ron: Look at the sign! *Points to a sign saying: "only 0NE bag of dungbombs left so you better hurry!!! *  
  
Harry: Ok, come on before they go and I have to share mine!  
  
Ron: Ok I'll just be a minute!  
  
Ron: *Wobbles out about ten minutes later with a very battered looking bag of dungbombs and a few missing teeth* they put up one heck of a fight in there but I rounded em all off one by one! * He just notices Harry and Hermione up against a wall snogging* Amm… Harry… Hermione?  
  
Hermione: Oh… Ron… umm Harry was choking on his tongue so I had to give him the kiss of life!  
  
Harry: Yeah, yeah that was it.  
  
Ron: Riiiggghhht… so c'mon guys lets head for the three broomsticks.  
  
Harry and Hermione: OK!  
  
"In the three broomsticks"  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *bump into Draco Malfoy and his two lackeys Crabbe and Goyle*  
  
Malfoy: Why hello Potter fancy meeting you here I expected you to be making out with Eloise Midgen in Moaning Myrtles toilets?  
  
Harry: *sniffling* I have a problem.  
  
Ron: Look Malfoy its not Harry's fault he has… er… strange fetishes!  
  
Malfoy: Oh well he needs to have loved someone before he passes on!  
  
Hermione: Oh shut up talking poppy cock Malfoy, go home to your Daddy and annoy him.  
  
Malfoy: I was just leaving, good luck Granger … you'll need it! *Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle leave*  
  
Hermione: Ignore him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.  
  
Ron: Aww noo! Its time to go McGonagall will skin us alive if we're not back soon.  
  
"Back in the Gryffindor common room"  
  
Harry and Ron: Night Hermione.  
  
Hermione: Night lads *yawns*  
  
"Harry and the rest of the boys trudge up restlessly to the dorms but little did they know what would happen later on that night"  
  
Malfoy: Am I ready professor?  
  
Snape: Just a second I need to tighten you're G-String. *After a lot of struggling* Ahh there we go all set is it tight enough?  
  
Malfoy: *in a squeaky voice* Just a little too tight do you think you could loosen it a bit?  
  
Snape: Ahh you're ass looks nice enough to me, oh… I mean you'll live. Do you remember the plan?  
  
Malfoy: YES SIR!  
  
Snape: Ok then your ready to take it up the ass, I mean your ready to go I'll just be in my office.  
  
"In the kitchens"  
  
Malfoy: Gimme a frying pan NOW!  
  
Dobby: AHHHH!!! *Drops dead instantly*  
  
House elf: Oh yes sir, yes sir! *Hands him a tiny frying pan*  
  
Malfoy: I WANT THE BIGGEST ONE YOU'VE GOT DAMN YOU!!!  
  
House elf: *falls over from the power of his shout* Oh so sorry sir *comes back with a much bigger and more satisfying one*  
  
Malfoy: Now THAT'S more like it! * Stares lovingly at the abnormally large frying pan and hugs it as if it were Pansy Parkinson*  
  
"In Snapes dungeon"  
  
Malfoy: *thinks to himself* now what was I to get again?  
  
Snape: *Hiding under a desk and whispers in a different voice* the death potion!  
  
Malfoy: *notices Snape under the desk but doesn't let on* Ohh yeah… the death potion. Now what else was it I had to do?  
  
Snape: *Whispers in a different voice again* Twirl around three times!  
  
Malfoy: *feeling a bit strange* Oh yeah * twirls around three times*  
  
Snape: Noo not like that like the most handsomest, best, evil, scheming, charming professor Snape taught you!  
  
Malfoy: *twirls around three times like Snape taught him and quickly leaves the dungeon*  
  
"On the way to the Gryffindor common room"  
  
Malfoy: *skipping girlishly* lalalalalala! Hmm, what's that up in the distance? Oh dear God no… it couldn't be…PEEVES!  
  
Peeves: Why hello stinky Malfoy Hahaha! *Grabs Malfoys G-string like an elastic band and give him the ultimate wedgie*  
  
Malfoy: *flailing helplessly in mid- air* THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!!! WAIT TILL I TELL MY FATHER ABOUT THIS!  
  
Peeves: OH and I'm so f***ing scared now! *Pulls the G-string tighter enhancing the pain*  
  
Malfoy: *Still writhing in agony* Well then … I'll tell the Bloody Baron!  
  
Peeves: *Drops him instantly* you… you k-know the… Bloody Baron?  
  
Malfoy: *rubbing his arse tenderly* Yes! And if you're not careful I'll be putting in a few bad words about you!  
  
Peeves: *Fly away cursing*  
  
Malfoy:*Continues skipping girlishly* Lalalalalalala *SMACK* OUCH!!! Lalalalalalalalalalalala *WALLOP* OWWWW! Lalalaalalalalaaaaa… ah there's the portrait of the Fat Lady!  
  
Malfoy: Draconis Sagittare!  
  
Fat Lady: Welcome and please don't let the frame hit ya where Fluffy shoul'da bit ya! *Swings open*  
  
"In the Gryffindor common room"  
  
Malfoy: *sneaks suspiciously through the common room*  
  
Fred and George: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!  
  
Malfoy: *Notices Fred and George are having a threesome with Gryffindor chaser Alicia Spinnet and smirks* I might put the same question to you two?  
  
Alicia: Hurry up guys I have to go soon!  
  
Fred: Look Malfoy we're a little busy so we didn't see you if you didn't see us right?  
  
Malfoy: *looking very sickened* Fair enough am just one question where are the boys dorms?  
  
Fred and George: *no reply*  
  
Malfoy: Oh well I'll just pick one, eeny, meany, miney MO! *Goes up the stairs he lands on*  
  
"After running up the dormitories he quietly sneaks into the room of second years"  
  
Malfoy: *thinking to himself* after all this time my moment of glory has arrived!  
  
Hermoine: *still half asleep* Oh… Harry I *yawn* didn't think you'd be this early  
  
Malfoy: *muffles his voice* Err… ah I-I couldn't wait another second to come here!  
  
Hermione: *Snogs him and pulls him down to her bed*  
  
Malfoy: *Feels sick but manages to knock her out with his trusty frying pan*  
  
"Draco Malfoy feeling extremely sick goes back down the stairs and up the opposite ones"  
  
Malfoy: *Enters the second year dorms but makes completely sure he's in the right place from the previous experience* Ahh! Now there's Harry sleeping like a baby.  
  
Harry: *In a very dozy voice* Ohh… I thought it was my turn to go to your dorms ohh well *makes to kiss Malfoy mistaking him for Hermione but Malfoy steps back knowing from what happened last time was going to happen*  
  
Malfoy: *Bashes Harry with the extremely large frying pan* now THIS is my moment of glory!!!  
  
Snape: *steps out from behind a curtain* Gimme that potion I want to kill him!  
  
Malfoy: *in a whiny voice*But Proffesssoooorr! I went to all the trouble to get here!  
  
Snape: Well I, ve been perving, I-I mean watching you and you have made numerous mistakes so I'm taking over!  
  
Neville: Wh…what's going on?  
  
Snape: *snatches the frying pan out of Malfoy's hand and knocks out Neville with it* Now back to Potter give me the potion!  
  
Malfoy: *unwillingly hands Snape the potion*  
  
Snape: *gives Harry the potion which immediately takes effect killing him instantly*  
  
Harry: *Chokes and dies*  
  
Dumbledore: *immediately bursts into the room* Haha I've caught you two now! Cornelius fudge is waiting to take you away!  
  
Snape and Draco: B-but how did you know?  
  
Dumbledore: Well the Weasly twins ratted you two out after their *ahem* session.  
  
Snape: Curses now I have to cheat my way out of Azkaban again thanks to you!  
  
Draco: My Father w-will *faints at the thought of what his father might do to him*  
  
Dumbledore: *summons Fudge and two other ministry workers to take them away*  
  
Ron: *wakes up* H-Harry oh no he's DEAD!  
  
Dumbledore: Don't worry Madame Pomfery can work wonders he'll be back to normal in about two months.  
  
Ron: PHEW!  
  
"Next day (Saturday) at breakfast"  
  
Ron: *still yawning* Hey Hermione I presume you heard everything about Harry huh?  
  
Hermione: *looking pale* Y-Yeah.  
  
Ron: *actually looking concerned* you look a bit pale what's the matter?  
  
Hermione: *saying very slowly* Ron, I think I'm pregnant with Harry's child!  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END?? 


End file.
